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Vraagbaak
Steve Biddulph |
Boys who fight over everything |  |
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Is it normal that my boys (2-2-4) seem to do nothing without a fight? They are almost all the time busy screaming, pushing, taking each others toys and/or space. They have plenty off toys and space, but they're always in each others hair. They can't live with or without the others; when I'm tired of the fights I put them away from each other but they seem to look for companion too. Help, please; it's so noisy in our house....!
Hanneke Cleijne-Loosschilder, Zelhem
Answer: One of the things you can do when children are close in age, is to exaggerate the age difference, by letting the older one have more priveleges, staying up later, going places with you, that the younger is too young to do yet. At the same time, you can ask more of them -- saying "You are the oldest, and you are more grown up, so you know better than to (fight with your brother) or whatever it is. This comes into action more as they are a little older.
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No experience with boy-raising | |
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Hi Steve,
The first child for me and my boyfriend will be a cute baby boy. But though he is not born yet I am already wondering how we will raise him. In my family there are no boys and my father left our home when I and my sisters were still very young and we didn't stay in touch with him either. I know that I don't have to raise our baby alone and that my boyfriend will be a great daddy but also for him it is his first child and his father is not really his example. Is there already a difference in approach from the moment he is born? With kind regards,
Krisha, Amsterdam Answer: Our book Raising Boys has lots of clues for how to chatter and cuddle your baby boy, so that he learns to be sociable, and learns how to love and communicate. So there is a lot of time for you and your partner to learn as you go. A great thing is to belong to a playgroup, or do a parenting course together that is friendly and enjoyable. Being with other parents is the best way to learn what you want to be like, and what isn't your way. |
5-year-old son angry with father | |
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Dear Mr. Biddulph,
As a father of a 5-year-old son, I sometimes doubt whether I do it right. We're very fond of each other, but often when I put him and his 3-year old sister to bed in the evenings, he gets 'fits': very angry and hardly to be dealt with. Whatever I try, it's wrong. Many times my wife has to step in and make the peace. Do you have any suggestions what could be done? Thanks,
Evert Zirkzee, Haarlem Answer: Or they tell you about the three best things that happened to them today, and you tell them the best thing that happened to you. So the day ends positively. By spending a bit of positive time in the bedroom, with the light out, relaxing together, then going to bed becomes a nice time together. They will probably want you to stay, but you can say that if they are good and say goodnight, you will have more story the next night. You can explain that if they fuss too much, you won't feel like doing it. At this age, you can talk, and ask if there is anything wrong, at school, or perhaps someone has hurt him, or he has fears about bedtime. Its interesting that you imply that your wife doesn't have the same trouble putting him to bed. Could it be something about a man doing it that either upsets him, or else makes him too excited? Could you talk to him about this? Sometimes there is a reason, and kids will explain to us. Finally, it might just be that at this age, your wife has to be the one that does bedtimes. We each have our own speciality, with parenting, and that's okay.
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5-year-old anry in company, sweet alone with Mum | |
Hi Steve,
But when I'm alone with him (that means without his 7 year and 7 months old sisters) he is the sweetest boy you can have... I'm trying to let him tell me why he gets angry or why he's always making noise. But I can't seem to get any answers I can do something with..do you have any tips?
Liesl Pfenninger, Zutphen Its hard to say exactly what is happening here without meeting your family. At the age of four, boys have a testosterone surge in their bloodstream. There are two other such surges -- one in the womb at about fourteen weeks, and another around age fourteen. The effect at four is to make them much more active, exciteable, and they seem to really go well if they have some male company -- other boys to run around with -- and some space to do it in, but especially being able to rough and tumble with their Dad. Fathers then teach them how to play fun games with strength and excitement, but at the same time being careful not to hurt. An important message for boys: they have 30% more muscle mass, 25% more red blood cells, they are more built for action than most girls, and so some of the "anger" is just a need to get exercize. Also, a new baby, after five years of being the baby of the family can be a real jolt. So time being with Dad, while you are with the baby, is good. You don't mention if you have a husband in your letter. It really helps. The Raising Boys book will be helpful to you too, I think. It's great you are close when you have quiet time with him, you sound like a very loving mother and I am sure it will work out well. |
Terrible 2: rebel without a cause | |
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We have two boys ages 2.5 and 4. They have totally different spirits. And with the youngest I see a potential problem. He is very naughty and sometimes in a bad way. Especially when he's tired. He starts doing things which I'm pretty sure of he knows is not allowed. For instance: picking on his brother, messing with the toys he's playing with, throwing things on the ground just for the fun, not listening to 'orders' (also given by playschool-teachers). He's what I would say rebellious at times. One sollution has always been taking him to bed, so he can sleep it out, but now he just doesn't sleep in the afternoon anymore (or I have to 'make' him by correcting his every move). I know I just have to act consequent on his deeds, but I still get the feeling there's more to it. I have to mention he is the perfect angel when it comes to all the rest of his qualities and adorable to everyone he meets, that's probable why he gets away with things, but I fear for him when he is past the adorable age.
Diana van Bennekom, Rotterdam
Answer: Wow! You have a lot of little boys in your family, very cloe in age. I think you are doing well to manage it all so well. Its very normal for two year olds to be a big challenge, in Australia it's called the "terrible two's". They haven't learned yet to be patient, share, not hit, and handle their own intense feelings. We have a method called a "thinking place", where the child goes to a special place -- a mat or a bean bag, close to where you are working in the kitchen or living room, and you may have to stay with them till they learn to go there. As soon as they are ready, they stand up, and talk to you about what they did wrong. Be firm about things that matter, -- not hitting, not taking his brother's toys without asking and so on. Make simple rules he can understand. This works only when children have enough language to say sorry, and what they did wrong. Its a calming down, thinking it through alternative to other forms of discipline. I think mostly though that what your are describing is very normal at this age, and the main thing is to make sure you have enough rest and eat well and so on, so you can keep a good humour.
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Sons and stepfather in competition | |
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Dear Steve,
My two boys (age 13 and 11) show constantly compettitive behaviour against their stepfather and the worst thing is that he (my partner) is unconsiously as competitive as they are. So all the guys are fighting over my attention en it's coming to a stage that our relationship is suffering from this. How can I, as a mother and a partner, stop this competition? Name and address withheld Dear Mrs. X, This is a tough situation, as the boys are close in age, and it sounds like your partner is perhaps not clear about his own place in the family. One of the best ways to avoid competition is to always have one-to-one time with each boy, their own special time, shopping with you or going somewhere each week -- not a big deal like a movie but just time to play or talk about how their life is going. Everyone can then feel secure in your love. If their stepfather can understand that he also can spend one-to-one time with the boys, slightly favouring the oldest so that he goes places with him, does things together, just a little more than the youngest. Then it pays to be older, and you can expect more of him, and tell him not to fight his younger brother. A step-dad has to be secure that he is an adult in the family, and yet also has to share your love, as he is the newcomer. This is made up by the unique and romantic time you have alone with him. He is an adult helping raise the boys, not a competitor for mum. |
How to raise a boy as a single mother? | |
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Dear Mr. Biddulph, I'm alone with my 2½ years old son -- better said: I raise him on my own. Of course he has got a father, but already during my pregnancy he left me, so my son doesn't know him. I don't want this man around me and my son, but when my son is at an age that he starts asking questions about his father I'll be willing to bring the two in contact.
My question(s):
Roos Hoekstra, Haarlem
Dear Roos,
The key points are:
It's physically hard. The teen years you have to avoid big conflicts, by keeping a calm head and a good sense of humour. Be sure to teach him early to cook food, do work to help you around the house, and have fun together so life isn't always a big effort. Very good wishes to you in your love for your boy! |
Puber-boy phisically challenges his mother | |
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My womanfriend has a puber-boy of 13 years old. The last time he knows he can
win physically from her. So he, challenges her physically sometimes and uses
words to her like: "you are a stupid wife" . He uses his power and she
gets by
times very desperate. Mostly she gives her borders very very clear but he
goes
through and through her borders, in cleaning his room, putting his clothes
evrywhere, let his schoolgear everywhere in the house etc.. What can she
do?
R. Jonkman, Utrecht
Answer: If she can have a look at our book Raising Boys she should get quite a lot of help. Its important that mothers with boys who are getting rebellious at this age, have a sit down with them at a calm time, and talk over how they have to get along in a friendly way. They seek the boys commitment to respectful and safe interaction, because living together is not possible otherwise. This isn't a threat, just a practical thing for enjoyable living. She can spell out the issues that are "bottom line" for her, and he can talk about his needs. The aim is to agree to co-operative and friendly communication - no rudeness, defiance, or aggression - ever. Having this respect agreement can then be drawn on when things are getting tense. If a fight is shaping up, a mother can say "We are getting too emotional, we need to have time-out" and leave the discussion and come back to it later. A man outside the family can tell the boy about respecting his mother more, but this can only be done when the respect of the boy has been earned. I am not sure if you are in this position yet. I hope this will come. You sound concerned about your friend, and I like it that you care about her and want to give help in this way. You sound like a good man. |
Steve Biddulph.
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Pagina voor het laatst bijgewerkt op: 13 mei 1999
Op donderdag 22 april komt hij in Nederland ter gelegenheid van het verschijnen van de vertaling van zijn boek: Jongens, hoe voed je ze op?, Uitgeverij Elmar 1999, ISBN 90 3890 849 0, prijs ƒ 34,50 (oorspronkelijke titel: Raising Boys).