Mijn man wil scheiden.Wij hebben een zoon 4 maanden.
Ik ben een buitenlander (Chinees) en mijn nederlands is nog niet zo goed. I heb geen vrienden en contacts hier dus voel ik heel hulpeloos.
I have known my husband for more than 10 years and married for 5 years. We just had a baby for 4 months. We just bought a new house and everything seems fine and a nice future in front.
After my son was born he was not really entering the role of a father. I was bit sad but i told him i can give him time to adjust himself. He has a new company and everytime he was using work as en excuse to avoid my son. My parents in law were also not willing to help to take care of the baby. So he suggested i go back to my parents in China to stay one month and back with them together to Holland. I agreed.
The second day when we were back to Holland. He said he made his mind to divorce me and he wanted me and the baby to go back to China. He wanted freedom. I was totally shocked! I didnt know what to do and i felt very sad and angry too.
after that he ran away from us..My parents my baby and I now living in the house. It is like a prison. I cried everyday i even beg him that we cannot lose him. But he turned totally into another person that i dont know anymore. Very Cold to us!
I have to turn help to my doctor and social worker here. They organise us a meeting together. He told he doesnt love me anymore. but what made me mad was he said he doesnt love our son. He cannot be a good father. This is not the life he wanted and he wants freedom. He feels nothing about our son and he blame me of pushing him to have a baby (which is bullshit because it is HIM who asked me to have a baby and he told the whole world he was ready to be a father..)
He even told...it is better that my son doesnt have a father than a bad father like him. And it is also better that i can find my son another father for him....I was so broken when i heard what he said. How can he be so unresponsible and cold hearted...
He made his mind to divorce us. And he doesnt want to take his responsibility even for his son. Thats why he wants us to go back to China. So he doesnt have to see us anymore.
My son is so small and innocent..He is so cute and loving. I would do everything for him. I have to plan the best for him. If we go back to China to be honest..if he changes his phone number then there is no way we can find him anymore...And life gonna be very hard for us...
I didnt know what can i do....
so sorry for you!
First thing I have to say is that I feel so very sorry for you! What a very unhappy situation. I can imagine that you feel so bad. And lonely as well...
I first have some questions. Do you have work here in NL?
If not, would it be an option? (if you don't have work, this situation is not the best one to start, but maybe within a few months).
Next question: are you officially married by Dutch law? I think so, since you talk about 'my husband'.
That would help you a bit with your rights.
Possibly he fell in love with someone? That is often the case in this kind of strange behaviour. Of course, the change of having a baby / being a father can also trigger things.
What is too bad about this story, is that your husband says you should go back to China. In one way he says that he doesn't want you and his child anymore (how painful...). In the other hand he says what he wants you to do. That is NOT up to him, but up to you.
I would like to give you a good advice but at this moment I don't know. You don't have to agree on everything. Possibly you can propose your husband to have a 'cooling down' time for a while. I don't know either. Anyway, don't let him say what you should do.
All the best.
Horrible situation.
He has no right to treat you this way, even if all love is gone.
He is really immature..
If you got married in the Netherlands you can go to the townhall in the place where you got married to get information about his whereabouts. This could take some time though before this information is available.
You have rights. He is legally responsible for financial aid for raising his son and possibly for you aswell.
I wish you all the best.
Stay in Hollad
Although it formally doesnt matter is you live here or in China. For practical reasons i strongly advise you to stay in Holland at leest until the end of the lawsuit.
difficult for me
I dont have a job here. I would like to have a job which is also better for me to have a new start. I am also a bit done with him because i have done so much for him i gave up everything to come here only for him.
But the problem is i have to take care of my baby since he is too small. I dont know any regulations or rules here if i can drop him to any kinderopvang. I dont know if it is expensive or not because i dont have enough money. He was so strict with money to me.
I asked him if he has someone else but he denied. He said no. I was not sure because he used to like chatting a lot. We were married here by Dutch law.
Since my stay in Netherlands now is according to our marriage. He is my sponsor. If we get divorce i have to go back to china according to the law. But my son is a dutch nationality. I am so afraid that i have to go back to China but my son has to stay here.
I am now studying Dutch and i am going to take inburgering examination which hopefully i can apply for an independent stay in Holland.
Emotionally i would like to go back to China. Because i came here only for him, now he doesnt want us anymore. But i have a son now i have to think hard and plan for him what is the best option.
i quited my job in China and we dont have any insurance in china and we dont get help by the government. It is very difficult for my son to change his nationality to chinese because of a very strict policy in china. It takes years. If he stay a dutch nationality. It is very troublesome and expensive when he goes to school, when he goes to see a doctor etc. i cannot afford that. And what if his father just disppeared and will never show up to take his responsibility to raise the kid. All of these i have to think of.
And the culture in China is bit different. they are not as open and easy going as here, we live in a not big city, people talk behind backs. I am afraid my son and I, especially my son gonna face language volience. When he goes to school he might be bullet by other kids. Since he looks different and he doesnt have a father. I want my son to grow in a healthy environment since he is already very poor.
I need some help. Is there any organization for protecting women and kids?
Chinese ambassy maybe?
These are recent artikels, I hope it makes sence.
https://www.nrc.nl/nieuws/2017/05/10/ouder-zonder-verblijfsrecht-mag-bij-nederlands-kind-blijven-a1558014
https://www.nrc.nl/nieuws/2017/05/10/ouder-zonder-verblijfsrecht-mag-bij-nederlands-kind-blijven-a1558014
I'm having a bit of a hard time to find info about where you can go best as a first step.
Maybe the Chinese ambassy can help you there?
http://nl.china-embassy.org/eng/ls/lxwm/
I would start by calling them.
Uitkering
If you are left without an income, you ahve a right to an uitkering (social security). I would start at the gemeente (town hall/municipality) where you live. Kinderopvang is fine, but only for people with a job and you do not have one now. The gemeente can also tell you about your rights afer you divorce. I'm not sure that you have to go back. Certainly not without your son.
There is a large Chinese community in Holland. I think they are fairly well organised and may be able to help you to find your way. At the University of Leiden they will definitely know a lot about the Dutch Chinese community: http://www.studereninleiden.nl/studies/info/chinastudies/contact/
Maybe you could even work there, if your Mandarin is good and you like teaching.
marraige contract
Did ou have a marriage contract? If you married without one, you have a right to half of his possessions - but also owe half of his debts. Do you have any idea of the financial situation? Is he still paying for the rent or the mortgage (hypoheek)?
Thank you
I live near Rotterdam. Thank you for sharing the information to me.
We dont have a marriage contract. He is paying the morgage now.
He has a company (B.V) which is also not going very good. I am afraid that i have to pay the debt also if he goes bankrupt.
I will take two exams tomorrow for my inburgering. All these take a lot of time. I am pushing myself to hurry up a bit. I dont want to lose my son or any rights for him.
He was very careful with money to me and i didnt know the pas of his bank account. I didnt mind because i trusted him....I was So naive.
by the way, my last name is also Li 
Sigh..still cannot believe what is happening to me..
Yes
I do have a connection to China, though I am not Chinese. That's why I chose this name!
The way I see it, you may need help at some stage with the emotional impact of this, but for now the practical side is the most important. You need two things:
- legal help with the divorce, money and immigration issues. If you like, I can ask around for a good lawyer in your area?
- a social network. Unfortunately I do not live in your area. But I have Chinese colleagues living permanently in the Netherlands who I can ask about this. I don't know if they know anyone in your area, but it's worth a try. Otherwise maybe the social worker has some idea?
And above all: be patient, don't simply agree to things your husband tells you to do, or anyone else. Take time to sort things out and to think. Kinderopvang and a job will come later. I guess from your English that you are highly educated, so you will find a job when you are ready for it.
Mooi (Nice)
Li!
Celia
I have some information for you!
Good immigration lawyers in your area are:
http://www.inigo.nl/ and https://www.everaert.nl/en/desks/china. At the last one they even have a Chinese speaking lawyer, who knows all about immigration issues to and from China. The person who speaks Chinese is called Mr Adam Diels. He may be very busy, but if you get in touch with me, you may be able to get access to him more easily.
These law firms do not do divorce law, but they will be able to tell you who does. You do not need to pay them - they can explain to you how to get a subsidy for that.
My colleague (who is married to a Chinese woman) told me that Chinese mothers in the Netherlands (some with Dutch husbands) meet around the better schools. He says there are "hundreds" around the grammar school of Rotterdam (which sounds a bit excessive, but OK..). But that doesn't help you yet because your son is still a baby. Still, it is good to know that. There is also a Chinese Saturday school in The Hague where Chinese speaking kids learn to read and write in Chinese.
My colleague also showed me a kind of chat/facebook site in Chinese that is used by most young Chinese living in the Netherlands. Maybe you can place a call there to find young women in your area.
If you want to contact me, please send an e-mail to mdvr 2000 at gmail.com (but without the spaces and with @ instead of at).
I hope you can be strong and still enjoy your son. Better times will come, I am sure of that!
I just sent you an email. I hope the address is correct and you can receive it
yes thanks
Will reply soon!
